My ex told me last time that when you are successful, people will never question about it. In fact, you will be highlighted for it. When I first read it, I was thinking, this could be right.
Well, somehow I think it is true. Just take a look at Clay Aiken. (You are a good guy Clay and I adore you for that). He sold million copies of record, one of the successful Idols finalist, performed in numerous events and concerts and the best thing is, he is not afraid to show the world who he really are. I wish I could be like him.
But what about me? As an Asian kid, plus living in an Islamic country, there are obstacles, boundries, rules and regulations and not to forget the tradition that I must obey. Family always comes first. Clay Aiken did not live where I live, or even he never been here I suppose, so obviously there is different backgrounds than I am.
My family is my priority and they think differently. They do not understand how and what I feel. There are times that I imagine what will happen if they ever knew that I am gay? How would they react? Will they still love me? Will they accept me the way I am? I am clueless. There are possiblities that they will neglect me and even worse if my mom do not want to admit me I am her son! The only son. Wow, I hope that I did not have that happened to me. It would be disastrous.
Actually I have a goal. In two years time (maximum), I am going to finish my study and get my degree and soon after that, start working. Then gather as much money as I could. Someday, I will confront my family and tell them honestly, who am I really are, when the right time comes.
Telling family who you really are is truly difficult; as you say, when the time is right; but who can be sure when that time might be? When I was a young man, I grew tired of mum forever asking me where was my girlfriend and when was I going to get married. This built into a crescendo, and in a a fit of depression , for the first and only time in my life I went to see a councillor and told him everything . he advised me to stand up for myself and tell the people closest to me who i really am ; otherwise the person they liked or loved was simply a mask, not the real me, hence my unhappiness. This made sense at the time, so I started by telling mum and dad, not an easy thing to do as you can imagine. Initially they said they still accepted me as their son, but that I should never bring anyone home to them. As time went by it was clear I went from being their favourite child to the black sheep of the family, someone who was invited to family meals but hardly ever spoken to. This was not at all what I was looking for. I had wanted to be open and honest with them, to be able to talk wit them naturally about who I am and have them as part of my gay-friendly life. It never happened. Now, many years later, as I live far away from them one part of me still thinks it was better to tell them the truth, but another part says maybe it would have been better to let them guess the truth but not actually say it. Many straight people cannot conceive of their own son or daughter being gay. I still feel apart from my mum ( dad is dead now) and the absence is a pain that will not go away.
ReplyDeleteSo think carefully about telling your mum; you are her only son and the news may be too much for her. You do not want to lose the affection of your family. If one day you hear her saying gay friendly things then all of that might change; it must be wonderful to have parents who accept and understand their gay child, but if that is not the case it may be best just to be discreet. Good luck.