Tuesday, May 26, 2009

W@iT

Sorry for being idle for a quite some time. Been busy with stuffs. :D . I have few new interesting posts coming up by this week. Make sure you have your eyes on my site.
Have a pleasant day.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Fear

My ex told me last time that when you are successful, people will never question about it. In fact, you will be highlighted for it. When I first read it, I was thinking, this could be right.

Well, somehow I think it is true. Just take a look at Clay Aiken. (You are a good guy Clay and I adore you for that). He sold million copies of record, one of the successful Idols finalist, performed in numerous events and concerts and the best thing is, he is not afraid to show the world who he really are. I wish I could be like him.

But what about me? As an Asian kid, plus living in an Islamic country, there are obstacles, boundries, rules and regulations and not to forget the tradition that I must obey. Family always comes first. Clay Aiken did not live where I live, or even he never been here I suppose, so obviously there is different backgrounds than I am.

My family is my priority and they think differently. They do not understand how and what I feel. There are times that I imagine what will happen if they ever knew that I am gay? How would they react? Will they still love me? Will they accept me the way I am? I am clueless. There are possiblities that they will neglect me and even worse if my mom do not want to admit me I am her son! The only son. Wow, I hope that I did not have that happened to me. It would be disastrous.

Actually I have a goal. In two years time (maximum), I am going to finish my study and get my degree and soon after that, start working. Then gather as much money as I could. Someday, I will confront my family and tell them honestly, who am I really are, when the right time comes.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Respect

All right. People always confuse of the difference between gay and transexual. Well, lets talk about the similarities of these two groups. First of all, we are all man and secondly, we are attracted to men too. But different wise, we are obviously different. Gay is a man who are attracted to another man but still maintaining the physical appearance and behaviour like any other men we seen on TV or in the streets.

While on the other hand, transexual is another story. Physically, they preferred to think that they are a woman hence they tried to change their appearance to look like a real woman. Some of them go beyond the limit by actually "removed" the unwanted-not-so-girl-part from their body.For instance, Isis, the contestant from the America's Next Top Model cycle 11. She undergo hormone therapy in order to change her body system from a man to a woman. That is little scary hah? Personally, it is scary enough for me. :D

Both parties are different to the other but somehow we always back each other up, or the easy gay slang, we are "sisters". We could be best friends too. But, there are certain gay guys who does not want to be with the transgender even for a friend. Honestly, I have friends from the transgendered and they are doing very well in studies, co-curriculars and job wise. In fact, there are quite a few transgenders who were successful in their career, for example in Malaysia, Nurul Shukor the professional make-up artiste.

I do not agree with the attitude of those gay guys because the bottom line is, we are all human. And it is very important for people to respect others and also to gain respects no matter you are gay, straight, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered etc.

"when a man put on a dress and get his sexual kick, he is a transvestite. when a woman trap in a man's body and undergo for a little operation, he is a transexual. when a gay man has too much fashion sense for one gender, he is a drag queen"

*the lines from the movie, "Too Wong Foo, thanks for everything, Julie Newmar"

Normal

I am a normal person. You what?? Yes. I keep hearing it on TV saying that they are a normal person. But hey, what "normal" really means? From my perspective, normal is something related on how you feel, act, speak, walk, eat etc which you feel the most comfortable way it is. It comes from you, within you without any command from the outsiders or someone else on how you should be. I truly believe that is a real NORMAL should be.

In medical field, normality is very important in order to compare and relate the body system or health condition to the rest of the people to make sure that anatomically you are a healthy individual. Well, that is something I could live with. But nowadays, where world is actually a rat race, especially at the place I live. "normal" is always a trend or an indicator for people to differentiate and to those who are not fit to the criteria of "normal" they created, you will be expel, push aside and ignored.

It is not fair, isn't it? You do not wish from God that you want to be in certain way you wanted as the matter of fact that we are born the way we are!!
Well, what I am trying to convey is, for instance, if there are 10 boys in a class, 9 out of 10 have the hobby of playing football and the one left do not have any interest at all, then he will be labelled as "abnormal", am I right? But in the end, what can I do about it? it is the community requirement that as a man, you should play football.

That is how I was in school 12 years back. The surrounding people is being cruel and discriminate to understand others. Who knows that one day the so called "abnormal" boy would end up as a doctor who try to save lives, or a policemen to make sure the community is safe and protected or might be a teacher in school teaching the young generation.

So think about it. Is the people around is being fair enough to you?

Saturday, May 2, 2009

AIM 2009

Well, I just watched the Anugerah Industri Muzik (AIM) 16 on TV. What can I say about it just ..WOW. There are like tons of awards to be given to the singers, producers and composers. Not quite a surprising when the announced, again, for the tenth times, Dato' Siti Nurhaliza bag her awards for Best Female Vocal Performance in a Song. Maybe she can be nominated in the Guinness Book World of Record for winning the awards for so many times. I think personally she deserves it. And not to mention her victory on Best Pop Ethnic Album and Album of The Year award. The winning involves her effort on producing an ethnic genre album, while in the meantime most singers would rather produce a pop song. Yeah, Misha's album won the Best Pop Album and her song Nafas Cahaya is the Song of The Year. Aizat claims her Best Male Vocal Performance this year.

This year AIM has changed their format by allowing singers with singles to participate and being judged based on their song. AIM also tried to establish their prestige by adding several new awards such as Best Indian Album & Song and Best Chinese Album & Songs to their list. On the same time it symbolised our unique multiracial culture and how unite we are.

It is a wonderful show overall. Could not forget when Nikki did her whistle on Terasing. And yes, the brilliant duet between Faizal Tahir and Rossa. Anyhow, to all winners, congratulations. Let see next year how the music industry would turn up to be. Cheers!

Friday, May 1, 2009

Testerone!!!

Oh my God! What am I doing? I am actually writing up on how I feel and what I feel on the internet. I simply think this is crazy as writing was not my strongest interest nor talent in school. Ask my teacher. he he he. I just realised that how writing could be something very indulging for myself. it is more like a therapy.

English writing grammar was my worst nightmare but I think I enjoyed writing now. It is so relieving when you could translate and interprete your feelings into words. And being a writer is not even my ambition list before.

I think I am having a psychological problem but wait, I suppose everyone on earth have one, didnt they? It just the matter of fact whether they are willing to admit it to theirself or not. But the truth is, I am truly facing this sexual-obsessive thingy disorder going on with me right now. FYI, I tend to masturbate (sorry guys, this is just my opinion) more often recently. It is not that I am a sex maniac or something. I am also not sure of myself actually going on with me but I suppose that it is not good for me especially my reproductive organ (you know what I mean).

I did it like, at least 3 times a day or maybe more. I really do not understand the process or mechanisms behind it. Is it a hormonal change or it is the weather to be blame for. (well, I am sure the weather is not a real excuse for this). Or it is just me, sexually active at this stage of my age and losing control easily. Hummm... it might be about desperately longing for a boyfriend and it stimulates my testerone to produce more sperms which eventually kicks the adrenaline gave me the excitement to shoot it out.

To be honest, I really need to shoot but to afraid of the consequences. I wish I could do something about it, or at least reduce it. But then I do not have any idea what is going on. If I do not do it, then I cannot sleep. If I did not get enough sleep, something massive and terrible will start to appear on my face. I have been through that and I would never want to be in that situation anymore.

Any suggestion?

Today

Somehow I wonder where my life will leads me to. I have no idea what I could be and what I will be. I am just confused most of the time, plus did not know what is the action to be taken on certain time. I am so tired of waiting for something I am not sure what is. My life is a total mess currently.

At one point I felt like giving up life but later I realised that there are people who cares so much about me. Being born as the only man in the family is not a good sign. It feels like a burden to your shoulder and sometimes you just cannot take it anymore. I cannot live the life I always wanted and also enjoy the other peers enjoyed. Hopefully, tomorrow would get better than today.

A warm hello from me

Hello to people out there!!

I am here to write about my experience of my life living hideously as a Gay Muslim in a Islamic country. It is never my intention to make a bad remark about my country (in fact I love it with all my heart, and there will be no political review on the issue). I just want to share my experiences and what I had gone through so far until today.

I am a newbie to blogging and I believe that there are plenty other bloggers who shares their life experience on this site and I am here to express my feelings and thoughts and share it with the rest of the world. =)

Hope all the readers will enjoy and feel free to leave any comment on my writing.

Thank you.